The Gift I Wanted...

I wanted an iPad for Christmas.
I got that.
Thanks, I have a wonderful husband.

What a really wanted,
I would have given up all presents for.
You may have heard my sobbing, broken heart this morning.
No baby for us.

I hurt for me
And I hurt for Ronnie.
I hurt for those hopes and dreams that seem hard to claim.

We lay in bed the other morning dreaming of the day we have children of our own to share Christmas with. We talked of the traditions we would like to pass on from our own families. It was so beautiful an so full of joy and hope. This morning I lay in that same bed and sobbed and prayed trying to mend my broken heart.

Guess what....

Guess who is going back to school?

ME!!!

One of the hard parts...

One of the hardest parts of IVF is not knowing if it will ever end. The advice to "just put it out of your mind" is great, it would be so wonderful if I could. If I did simply put it out of my mind I would forget to take my medications, forget to keep my appointments for blood tests, ultrasounds, egg collection and embryo transfer. I wish I could forget those things...and I will soon.

There comes a time when enough is enough. It is so emotionally demanding and for me I feel like I am fighting for something that keeps eluding me. Someone said to me yesterday - wait until you have you children, them comes the hard stuff! And yes I agree, it is hard to raise another human being but I would like to have that opportunity. I would also like to have the rewards that come from having children, giving love and guiding another how to be.

I would love to see the little people that are a part of me and a part of Ronnie yet are there own person. I want to meet them and love them. I want it all. I believe this is something that will happen, I believe it in a spiritual sense. And yet I have to consider that maybe I am misguided in that and I am trying to force something that will always elude me. So we have decided on an end point. We have decided when we will stop IVF. I say we but really it is me. I have decided on an end point...

Hot date and hot chips!

Ronnie

took me


out and about.

Then we stopped awhile.

And while he waited on the jetty...

I got dinner ready.

Yummy!

Life is good!!!

The Garden Not of Eden

The back yard has traditionally been non-accessible due to the crop of weeds that Ronnie grew.

I am not kidding when I suggest that at times they were head high.

Ok, ok! I am not the tallest of people but come on - who lets weeds grow a THIS tall.

The weeds are not the only problem in the yard.

We have a beautiful but troublesome palm.

We are chopping that out - I say with hesitant tones.

It is beautiful but it hurts.

Really it does.

It has spikes that have a toxin and big heavy ends.

And as we plan to have small children around we don't want that.

That should all be changing soon.

Some changes are good and others...not so good.

I have promised Ronnie not to complain about the monstrously huge and ugly shed that is going in the back yard - so I wont!

Instead I will tell you - Ronnie is getting a shed.

And I am getting a yummy, delicious garden.

Off on a hot date...more later!!!

Back to nature...

Seems I have trouble making babies.

(ie- home pregnancy test I took this morning was negative)

So while we take a break from science.

I am going to work on creating our garden.

(I'll post some before shots later).

I have never tried to garden before.

I want an edible garden.

Lets see how that goes.

Well...

3 eggs collected

3 eggs fertilised

Can't get better fertilisation rates than that!!!!

Ronnie on Thursday...

To blog or not to blog....

That has been my question.

I decided after my miscarrige that I wasn't going to talk about my next IVF cycle or pregnancy. I kept crying when people would ask me how I was doing and I felt embarrassed. And yet a felt so comforted know and feel love from family and friends.

I have also missed the theraputic element of writing my thoughts down. Yes, I know I generally don't get to deep in my thoughts and feelings on my blog, but writing helps me find some fun in the experiences I am having. Just a funny side-effect...

So, to catch up and get a little clarity of thought, I'll tell you of the latest happenings.

I told you of our last fertility specialist appointment - the 77% conversation. At that appointment we also discussed the plan for the "next cycle". Well, that cycle is well underway. I say well, but really I feel totally crappy about it all. I have had the worst headaches and my ovaries have taken a holiday. They have only produced 4 follicles! You may remember that this is a low response and led to a cancelled cycle. Not a consideration this time - I am going ahead.

Egg collection is Thursday.

To be truthful - I don't hold out much hope for this cycle. Call that what you will -pessimism, realism or self-preservation. I was hoping to a least get some to freeze. Sometimes quality is better than quantity. Oh, did I just see a glimmer or hope?

This all just seems to much at the moment.
I am hurt.
I am scared.
I am disappointed.
I am to scared to be excited, happy or hopeful.

Phew...

A sigh of relief...I am finally starting to feel normal again.

It has been pretty hard.

I found it very difficult to get past the grief.

I was scared.

But I laugh and feel happiness again.

Lots of Photos...

If our photos are anything to go by

our holiday consisted of

eating and more eating.

Disney...

Yummy Disney...

Universal Studios...

(Naughty me...eating gluten. Delicious gluten!)
I miss you Cinnabon..XOX.

I even dreamt about you the other night.

To be continued...(Computer loading photos so s...l...o...w).

Next time - the drive to Vegas, snickers ice-creams (I miss you too) and more.

But just one more photo....

How handsome is this man!!!

I made out with him a few times on the trip! Ha ha!!!

77% Chance...

Things have been hard.
I was just going to say I won't bore you with the details.
But...the details aren't boring, they are full of hurt.
Sadly, people don't really talk about how they feel about a miscarriage.

This time it is much harder,
I feel the loss,
I feel the sadness,
I feel empty.

And yet I have to go on working, being a wife, a sister, a daughter and an aunty.
Who wants to be around someone trying not to cry all the time?
And yet...I hurt and I need to cry, and cry a little more if needed.
Hmmm....I might take a few days off work.


So...what about this 77%.
Saw the fertility specialist on Wednesday.
Apparently I have a 77% chance of "going to term" next time.
Apparently there is optimism to be found in having a pregnancy.
Can I just have a successful one next time?
Please?

Am still to post holiday pics...
Maybe tomorrow...

Thank you...

Before I update on the happenings of the last couple of weeks (our USA holiday). I want to post a thank you to those who have offered their love and support to Ronnie and me over the last 18 months and particularily the last few weeks. It has come from many sources - family, friends and those who experienced similar things on one of my favourite sites bubhub.com.au. My "forum friends" as Ronnie and refer to them are not known in person but have offered an understand that gives such comfort as many have experienced similar longings and disappointments.

Your support, comfort and encouragement has meant so much. It lessens the hurt and disappointment we feel and provides us with the strength to give it another go. I am scared (terrified even) that it may all happen again but I want to have a family with Ronnie. Visiting with my sister Kathryn and her husbnad and their two small children reminds of how demanding small children are, how your needs are secondary to that of a childs, sleep can be elusive and the cleaning never ends. Children also come with love, fun and laughter - we want the good and are prepared to take on the demands too. So we will try again...when I am ready!

Much love to you all.
Annette and Ronnie

The Story...Continued.

The day of the 2nd scan arrived and as you can imagine I was apprehensive. I didn't realise how emotionally stressed I was until I let fly with the sonographer. I let her know how upset I was not to be given ALL information regarding the embryo at the last scan. She told me she would have acted the same as the last sonographer because she has seen things improve from a seemingly worse position than my embryo and they wouldn't have wanted to worry me.

I said (and I still claim) that that is not their decision to make. I should have been given ALL information good and bad. I should have been told that there were some concerns but that they had seen positive results from what appeared to be more questionable results than what they were seeing with my embryo. I pointed out that I had to discover the concerns by myself without the support of medical staff or more importantly my husband. If I had been told at the time of the scan I would have been less distressed that I was having to discover the information myself.

I then lay down for the scan...and sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed.

I couldn't stop crying.

I knew!

She then told me she couldn't see anything that looked like an 8wk embryo.

I cried again.

I don't want to do this!!

I don't want to do this again!!!!

I than had a transvaginal ultrasound which gives a clearer picture and all was confirmed. The embryo had died a few days after the first scan. I cried some more.

The Story!

When I had my ultrasound ar 7wks I was told that everything was ok. There was a fetal heart beat and that is all they would look for at that stage. For any of you who have struggled to have a child you may understand the relief I felt hearing those words.

I asked again:

Is there anything to be concerned about?

No bleeding?

Things look good?

The answer was a repetition of the earlier statement:

What we would want to see at this stage is a fetal heart beat and we have that.

Oh, can you imagine my happiness at hearing those words!

The relief,

The joy,

The excitement!

My whole world came crashing down the next morning. I was looking for a lovely picture of the embryo to show off when I came across the report from the ultrasound. A complete reversal of emotion in one split second - from joy to devastation.

Oh no, please no!

I don't want to do this again!

I don't want to loose another baby!

Please, nooo!

I want this pregancy!

I want this baby!

Please, help me!

Please, please, no, no ,nooo!!!!

I don't want to do this all again.

Please!

A week of waiting beings.

A week until the 8wk scan.

A week of praying.

A week of hoping.

A week of sadness.

Oh please, help this baby grow strong and healthy.

The inevitable happens -

The 8 wk scan.

But I think I'll continue that story later.

My heart hurts a little at the moment.

Broken hearted...

Not very talkative today.

Follow-up scan yesterday showed the embryo had died.

Will tell more later.

I am...

Exhausted,

Worried,

Scared,

And I want to cry!

I am trying to be:

Happy,

Hopeful,

And faithful.

When is this a "sure thing"?

When the baby is my arms.

This is hard.

Be patient and tolerant...

Ta da!!!

That little blob inside the dark blog is the embryo!

Anticipation....

First ultrasound on Monday!!!

So excited!!!

Shaylie!

I love this little girl.

She is very brave,

funny,

kind,

and ever so cute.

Penny for them?

I would be rich if I had a penny for everytime I have thought

something baby related over the last week!

What was that?

Was that a good twinge?

Was that a bad twinge?

I haven't felt a twinge in awhile - what does that mean!

I feel sick- oh good!

I am not feeling sick at the moment - what does that mean!

Boobies aren't sore,

Infact I think they have shrunk!

I know, I know!

Stop worrying!

Fertility treatment means an increased awareness of your body.

You notice every twinge and twiggle!

It also means that things haven't come easy.

Something gained is treasured,

And the fear of loosing that treasure is real.

The results are in...

Sorry to those waiting so patiently with their fingers and toes crossed.

I so appreciate the prayers, kind thoughts and positive vibes.

Seems like all your efforts have been rewarded.

It is positive!!!!

But, he he, shhhh...we aren't telling the world just yet.

But felt it only fair to tell those who have travelled with me.

I wonder if I will be able to keep it quiet for long.

And those of you who are wondering,

If I managed to resist the call of the home pregnancy test.

I did!!!!!

Suprised?

I am!!!!

I am...

...trying to be patient!

Everything seems pretty quiet in my uterus.

A few niggling cramps,

Nothing significant though.

A few more days....

To Test or not to Test...That is the Question?

Four days ago Poppy was transfered.

I continuely wonder what is happening in my uterus.

There is only one way to find out at the moment,

(Well, within the next few days anyway).

A Home Pregnancy Test.

They are not the most accurate things.

Some people advise against it,

Sometimes I think it prepares me.

I think this time I am going to wait.

LOL...who believes that?

The FET!

I meet Poppy today!

Ha ha,

Wouldn't it be terrible if one of these

were transfered.

A little bit rude, Brrrr!!!!

(Who's Poppy? Check out this post,

including comments.)

What you doin' Friday?

I am going to have a FET.

You may ask,

What is a FET?

It is a frozen embryo transfer.

But actually it will be a thawed embryo that is transfered.

Will scream with joy and happiness if this works!!!

Who cares how it happens!!!!

What is in your Freezer?

This beautiful little niece was visiting the other day.

While she was over she asked to see

the "egg thing" in my freezer.

Egg thing? I don't have any egg shaped ice-cream or chocolate in the freezer.

Shay said you had an egg-thingy in the freezer.

No, I don't have anything, I think she is tricking you.

You know! The egg-thingy!

Ohhhh!!!! You mean the frozen embryo!!!

Still laughing about it now.

I love it and I love you Chelsea!

At war with PMS!!!

What is in your arsenal?

What do you do to combat PMS?

Advice welcome!

This is what I do!

This Weekend and Medical Miracles.

This weekend I was on Aunty duties.

Friday night Kallan and Shay stayed over.

(Aiden stayed over Saturday night).

Kallan has just had his arm checked.

The abscess doesn't look good but...

Finally the Dr. has been able to grow a culture.

Looks like some more surgery to clean it out.

Hopefully, it is not to close to the prosthetic,

Or it might have to be removed temporarily.

Not fun...but he is here!

We are grateful for miracles of medical science.

Kallan asked how my embryos are going.

I explained...

A tiny little embryo, a potential for life, is frozen.

They will thaw it out and transfer into my uterus,

And we pray that once frozen embryo will grow into a baby.

How amazing is that whole concept!!!!

We are grateful for miracles of medical science.

TWW. The Hunt Begins!

It doesn't matter if it is a natural cycle.

It doesn't matter if it is an IVF cycle.

It doesn't matter if I promise myself I won't.

It doesn't matter if I keep myself busy.

Once the two week wait hits

I symptom hunt!

What was that?

And that?

I wonder...?

Maybe?

Oh please, let it be!

Simple days...Simply joy!

Don't you wish you were a kid sometimes...

Things seemed a little simpler then.

Maybe I need to learn from

Chelsea and Shaylie...

And find joy in the simple things.

Today I Feel Like a Pancake!

...flat...

I plan on feeling better tomorrow!

The King of the Castle!

I was thinking about my sister today.

Her husband graduated this past weekend.

I'll steal a photo from her blog and show you.

Congratulations Cory!!!!

This led me to thinking about the King of the Castle.

Others know him as Cade.

I have lots of fun with Cade.

We fight over who is the King of the Castle,

We play hide and seek,

And we wrestle.

I don't get to see Cade often,

His castle is in Wyoming, USA.

I miss him today.

(Last USA visit, May 2009)

I Know Now...

Nothing!!!

Or at least not the thing I wanted.

No baby this transfer!

So what now?

I become the woman I want to be.

Skinnier, happier and healthier.

And,

We try again!

I Wish I Knew?

What is happening in my uterus?

I wish I knew!

What Have You Been Eating Lately?

I have been eating these.

But, wish I had been eating those instead.

Guess What....

is in here?

(or at least something like it)

One of our embryos was able to be frozen.

What a total surprise!!!!!

That will be one cool kid!

Ha ha...couldn't resist.

While looking for a picture to show you what the little frozen embryo would have looked like I found this. Fantastic! Well...fantastic if you are interested in embryo development. http://stemcells.nih.gov/info/cellmovie.htm

1? 2? No, 3!!! And Back to 1!

Initially, there was one fertilised embryo.
The next day another was discovered.
Then on Sunday when I called for my transfer time,
I was told there were three.

We had embryo number 1 transfered yesterday morning.
It's siblings were not as far developed.
In fact, it looked like 3 had stopped developing.
2 wasn't looking so great either,
They expect he will not be of good enough quality to freeze.

No photos this time.
Had to quickly run out the door.
It was a last minute acupunture appointment.
Fabulous, and she came in on a public holiday too.

Ideas....

The Party was a Fizzle!!!

Apparently the party was a fizzle!

The sperm were all ready to party,

But the eggs were a not a easy as I thought.

I was wrong...

It wasn't a sure thing!

Only one of the nine eggs collected fertilised.

Where to here for here?

That all depends on this one little embryo.

I'll keep you posted.

Reminds me of this joke I posted one other time.

Not so funny today....

Eggcellent Party on Wednesday!

Ronnies beautifully shaped, mobile sperm, with a sense of direction are invited to:

THE PETRI DISH
9:00 am Wednesday morning.

Entertainment provided by Annette's stunningly gorgeous, wonderfully matured eggs.

PS-The eggs are easy - It's a sure thing!!!!

Don't be shy - go for it boys!!!!

Netty, Netty, How do your Follicles Grow?

With Puregon, silly!

And they are growing well. May I be so rude as to say that I am slightly disappointed with what appears to be low numbers? However, the dominate feelings is one of gratitude that there is a nice number to work with.

8

7 look lovely

1 is a little smaller

I'll go back in a couple of days to see if the follicles are ready to have their eggs collected.

Books - an escape!

Did I ever tell you that I now hesitate every time I say ESCAPE?
Ronnie teases me,
I say ex-cape instead of es-cape.

I never knew until he teased me about it.
Now, I hesitate and make sure I am pronouncing it correctly.

Anyway, back to the original reason for my post.

I am looking for recommendations.

Recommendations for good books to read over the next three weeks.

I am hoping it will help the time pass.

Help me escape the wait!

Feelings - The Latest Cycle

Scared of not getting pregnant,

Scared of getting pregnant,

Scared of my emotions.

I wondered how I would cope with it all,

I wondered how I would cope with another disappointment,

I wondered how I could control things I cannot.

Yesterday, I decided to focus on the present,

Yesterday, I decided to be happy with my life,

Yesterday, I felt the first flutterings of excitement.

Check out the Bruise!

It looks better in real life.

The camera doesn't bring out the colours.

It is a beautiful purple colour.

The Brownies were YUMMY!

The beaters even tasted good!!!

Ronnie cooked a lamb roast.

I cooked the brownies.

Lamb Roast and Brownie Blasts!!!

Up to date!!!!

So now my blog is up to date,

Almost.

Just a little more of the journey to share.

It has been difficult.

And it is with trepidation,

That I take this next step.

Yesterday I pulled and old friend out of the fridge.

And gave myself a massive bruise.

I took a photo.

It really is a pretty colour!

Maybe I can make a smiley face this time.

With purple lipstick!

I have changed clinics.

I am taking more drugs this time,

In the hopes of getting more follicles, that means more eggs,

And therefore more embryos.

My Christmas Presents!!!!

Those who know and love me may suggest that I am impatient.

I like to think of it as determination.

So you can imagine how "determined" I was to find out what was in

the large box sitting under my Christmas tree.

Ronnie was equally determined not to give any hints.

Christmas morning I opened it up!

I found a juicer!

Inside the juicer box I also found another gift,

Beautiful earrings!!!

By the way,

My favourtie juice is banana and mango!

A week after Christmas.

Ronnie and I got another present.

I discovered I was pregnant.

Yea! Hip hip hooray!

A natural conception too.

As you can imagine.

We were estatic.

Unfortunately, that little embryo,

Didn't stick around for the party either.

I misscarried.

Transfer!

This was us on the way to getting our first ever embryo transfered.

I was excited!

The embryo was perfect!

We saw a picture!

I much prefer the natural way of trying to concieve!

We got to try that way again.

This little embryo didn't stick around for a 9mth party!