Sadness...

Today I feel sad.
I hope I can shake it soon.
Sometimes writing helps clarify thought and feeling.
I hope you don't mind.

You might know,
I want to have children,
I want to teach them, love them, help them to grow,
I want to help them understand the world, find happiness and reach their potential.

I don't want to get pregnant though.
I don't want the stress,
I don't want the thought of an impending miscarriage,
I don't want the sadness.

There are other options,
Some we are looking at,
That is not the easy route though,
There are processes and stresses involved in those process too.

Besides feeling sorry for my self today,
I think I might have a little fertility envy.
Oh, how blessed and lucky are those that can conceive and carry without hinderance.
If this is you, offer a prayer of gratitude will you?

Me, I will try and think of the things I am grateful for.
Will you share yours with me too?
It might help me recognise some of mine,
And clear this thundercloud that seems to be hanging over my soul today.

A little late...but still a happy anniversary!

Yummy breakfast before we took off on a dolphinless dolphin cruise.

We get to go back for another trip though.

I can't believe we have been married for

2 years, 3 months, 1 week, 3 days.

Time flies when you are having fun!!

The First Harvest.

Ok, so that is a rather grandious statement for what I am about to show you...
It is the first every fruit picked from my...soon to be garden!


It is not yet a garden,
My pots sit on my back patio.
I still need to get a big tree chopped up and some work done before I can put my plants in.

Am I a mother?

I am not going to church today.

I have been quite down and teary over the last week.

Last week at Church someone made the comment about how lucky this couple were to have their first baby.

The speaker continued to say that they were a good couple who deserved to have this blessing.

No malice was intended, but statements like that hurt,

And I expect there will be more like that today.

I am a good person, my husband is an even better person!

If being deserving was the qualification for having children,

We'd have a bunch and I'd be hoping for breakfast in bed this morning!

Today I wonder,

Am I a mother?

I tired my best to nuture the lives that grew within me!

I loved them.

I loved what might have been.

I am a mother.

Happy Mothers Day to my mum!

Today...

Oh so high, oh so low...

It is the wee hours of the morning.
My husband is snoring.
I am tired and frustrated.
But also grateful that he is here.
He makes hard times bearable.

We were so lucky to have made a little baby.
There were tears of happiness,
Sadly that turned to tears of dispare
When we learned that this baby too had died.

I feel beaten up.
I have no idea how I can do this again.
I tried to be positive and focus on good things,
But really it was such a stressful time.
How can I do that again?
I feel so defeated now.
How can I do this all again?

I watched my husband watch a friend with his small daughter,
I know how much he would love to be a father,
Can I really do this again?
Why does my body seem to work against me?
Will it be any different next time?
Will the many vials of blood taken the other day give answers?
Is there something more I can do?
Where do I find hope?