Journal....what journal?

So much for me using a blog as a form of journalling!

I thought this would be a great way of recording life's events. I am on the computer every day so thought this would be easier than getting out my journal, finding a pen that works and finding time to write.

Oh well, I'll update the latest happenings (over the next few days) by using excerpts out of emails to my sister.

Want to have a guess?

How many follicles will I have tomorrow morning?

Appointment is at 7.45am.

I am not braving it alone, Ronnie will be there to hold my hand.

Guess What I Got Out of the Fridge this Morning?

Did you guess right?

Yep, we started another cycle! We aren't really broasdcasting this cycle, not keeping it a secret really, just not telling everyone like I did the first time. It is safe to post here though as I think only two of my sisters check my blog...Hi Allison and Kathryn!!!

It was hard last time to explain to people about our cycle being cancelled. In doing research prior to beginning treatment I never understood why people on forums would discuss whether to tell people about their treatment or not. I thought they chose not to tell people out of shame. I was not and am not ashamed of undergoing IVF. In fact, I am very grateful that we have the technology and means to be able to help us have children. I was so excited by the possibilities that I told a lot of people.

I now understand that it is much more of am emotive process than I had ever contemplated and being confronted with those emotions through questions about the process is very taxing. Sorry to all those I judged. It was not out of malice just lack of understanding. I now understand a bit more.

I AM SO EXCITED! I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT!!!!!

Have you ever been excited by the prospect of giving yourself injections twice a day, being moody and having hot flushes?

I am,

I am,

I am!!!!!

How we knew?

I was asked the other week how we knew that we had fertility problems when we had been married only a short period of time (translate to only trying for a baby for a short period of time). The short answer to that question - I just knew! I felt it, and I knew that feeling was not fear but truth.

Ronnie was patient enough to indulge me and together we went to our GP. The GP suggested that we had not been trying long enough without success to raise any concerns. I explained that I would like to get things checked out anyway, that it would either confirm my feelings or eliminate them as a concern. I did not want to be trying endlessly to concieve to only find out that there was a problem and then have to investigate options.

Tests were done and feelings/knowledge confirmed! Then the journey began!!

Some of My Favourite Things...Oh, How I Miss You!

This week I wish my body was kind to me after eating gluten.

But it isn't.

If I could, I would eat:

One whole bar-b-que chicken and bacon pizza.

Dominos makes the best.

Then, I would eat a scrumptiously, delicious apple turnover.

The kind that spills icing sugar all down your front.

The kind that is so filled with mock cream,

It squirts out the sides when you bite it.

You might think by now I am full.

But I hear some soft and light, yummy cream filled ginger kisses calling my name.

Shh, someone else might hear you.

Here I am.

Think I am done now!

Maybe...Not!

So, I called the fertility clinic yesterday afternoon to ask if I needed to be concerned that the elusive one had yet to arrive. They said to come in if liked and get a blood test to check things out. I liked!

Results in today. No not pregnant. I only ovulated a week ago according to my bloods. Not too disappointed as I wasn't at all hopeful (maybe a little wishful).

My lack of hope is evidenced in the fact that I picked up the next round of drugs. Same ones, different doses and protocol though. I am glad that I am using the same drugs. I know these ones. Welcome drugs, here is a nice cool place for you in my fridge. You can hide there until needed. See you soon.

Anticipating Something Previously Dreaded

Where, oh, where has my period gone?

I thought you would be here by now.
I have felt your accompanying cramps,
But you have yet to arrive.
Hurry up an arrive so we can move forward with this process.

Patience, oh boy, not a friend of mine!

If I had one wish then it would be a happy, happy birthday to you from me!

It was this handsome mans birthday the other day.

He would have loved one of these...

So we could do this...

Instead he got this...

So we can do this!

Now come the Words...

On Friday I went to my ultrasound full of hope and excitement to discover how many follicles had developed. From there we would schedule the egg pick-up, or so I thought...




I was devastated when all that my body had produced was 4 follicles. Two of those 4 aren't even worth mentioning. Did you notice there were 2 large eggs and 2 small eggs in the carton? Yes, that has significance. The other two follicles were great but even though it is often said the quality is better than quantity two is not enough. My cycle was cancelled.


I must say that discovering that I only have two viable follicles was not one of my finest moments. The nurse said, "Oh, that is disappointing". My reply was a spontaneous "---- off, it's disappointing. I am shattered!" That statement was accompanied by tears and the direction to stop telling me anecdotal stories of success. It just doesn't help at the moment.


I had never considered that I would be halted at this point. I think I would have been more prepared for the embryo not to have taken. I have had that experience (well the experience of not conceiving) enough not to be shocked by that. I was so shocked to have not produced lots of great follicles. Did my ovaries not listen to me telling to make lots of healthy follicles?


So what does that all mean? Well, Ronnie and I ate the eggs that represented my follicles for lunch in a delicious Caesar salad...

...and we are hoping that the two good eggs are released from their follicles and happen to meet two fabulously formed and determined sperm over the next few days. If all are to shy to introduce themselves we start the process again. Must say that this has all been a lesson in humility, but more on that later...enough ugly bits about me for one day! Oh, I do hope I see that nurse again so I can apologise.

Scan Results...A Picture Says 1000 Words!

No Smiley Face!

The first two times I gave myself injections I made some lovely bruises. Ah! An idea! I will make a smiley face of bruises using my belly-button as the nose. I will strategically place all injections as to create a curved smile below my belly-button.

However, I have developed a great technique and hardly bruised. No smiley face on my belly. Still I smile. Ronnie would have thought it hilarious had I been able to show him, instead he just laughed when I told him my thwarted plans.

A Chat with the Ovaries

I was in the shower and Ronnie walked past.
He heard me talking to my ovaries.

Hello ovaries
Welcome the Follicle Stimulating Hormone
Produce lots of follicles with healthy eggs
BUT by no means go crazy
A good, safe and healthy amount is all that is required
Thanks ovaries

Hey, the injection didn't hurt at all. I was a little scared, I must admit, but really all I felt was a little sting. Nothing at all to be worried about - a small red dot is the only evidence.

The Insidious Nature of Fear

How do we control fear?

How do we stop fear undermining hope, peace and confidence?

How do we allow assurance to win and fear to loose?

The dominate feeling during this IVF process has been one of positiveness and calm.

I feel happy and confident.

The effects of the drugs have not been anything near what I envisaged.

I pictured

turmoil of emotion,

my husband wanting to avoid my mood swings,

me feeling intensely guilt for being irritable and

(forgive me for swearing) impatience beyond all reason.

I have not felt that.

I have felt peace, calm, and assurance that all is well.

I have felt excitement as one phase ends and another begins .

Yesterday I felt a shift that was not welcome.

I felt inclings of fear and doubt.

Entered the unwlecome thoughts of;

"what if..."

what if this hasn't worked

what if my body doesn't respond

"what if...".

Fear is insidious IF you let it in.

I'm NOT letting it in!