Jack or Captain Jack Sparrow to some...

It has been a long time since I have felt like writing.

Things have been very difficult.

Grief hurts.

But I am healing.

So much so that I can contemplate trying again.

I am healthy.

And as I suspected there was nothing wrong with the baby.

It was a little boy.

I knew it was a boy.

I felt it.

Campbell (me nephew) asked what I called him.

I told him he hadn't been given a name.

Campbell suggested "Jack".

Aiden (another nephew) expanded on that "Captain Jack Sparrow".

Boys!!!! I almost had one.

It was beautiful to have what I felt confirmed.

It gives this baby an identity.

It contributed somewhat to the loss though. Does that make sense?

I didn't loose a baby of indiscriminate nature, I lost a son.

Although I felt that loss more keenly I am glad I know.

Life goes on.

I am finding happiness again.

I am finding courage.

I am growing confidence.

I am woman!

I wanted a rather large tummy...

I am meant to be studying...

But,

I am remembering how at this time,

I was going to have a rather large tummy.

My due date was to be just over a week away.

I finally found something to celebrate and commerate

What was, but now is not.

I'll show you when it arrives.

Phew...

A sigh of relief...I am finally starting to feel normal again.

It has been pretty hard.

I found it very difficult to get past the grief.

I was scared.

But I laugh and feel happiness again.

77% Chance...

Things have been hard.
I was just going to say I won't bore you with the details.
But...the details aren't boring, they are full of hurt.
Sadly, people don't really talk about how they feel about a miscarriage.

This time it is much harder,
I feel the loss,
I feel the sadness,
I feel empty.

And yet I have to go on working, being a wife, a sister, a daughter and an aunty.
Who wants to be around someone trying not to cry all the time?
And yet...I hurt and I need to cry, and cry a little more if needed.
Hmmm....I might take a few days off work.


So...what about this 77%.
Saw the fertility specialist on Wednesday.
Apparently I have a 77% chance of "going to term" next time.
Apparently there is optimism to be found in having a pregnancy.
Can I just have a successful one next time?
Please?

Am still to post holiday pics...
Maybe tomorrow...

Thank you...

Before I update on the happenings of the last couple of weeks (our USA holiday). I want to post a thank you to those who have offered their love and support to Ronnie and me over the last 18 months and particularily the last few weeks. It has come from many sources - family, friends and those who experienced similar things on one of my favourite sites bubhub.com.au. My "forum friends" as Ronnie and refer to them are not known in person but have offered an understand that gives such comfort as many have experienced similar longings and disappointments.

Your support, comfort and encouragement has meant so much. It lessens the hurt and disappointment we feel and provides us with the strength to give it another go. I am scared (terrified even) that it may all happen again but I want to have a family with Ronnie. Visiting with my sister Kathryn and her husbnad and their two small children reminds of how demanding small children are, how your needs are secondary to that of a childs, sleep can be elusive and the cleaning never ends. Children also come with love, fun and laughter - we want the good and are prepared to take on the demands too. So we will try again...when I am ready!

Much love to you all.
Annette and Ronnie

The Story...Continued.

The day of the 2nd scan arrived and as you can imagine I was apprehensive. I didn't realise how emotionally stressed I was until I let fly with the sonographer. I let her know how upset I was not to be given ALL information regarding the embryo at the last scan. She told me she would have acted the same as the last sonographer because she has seen things improve from a seemingly worse position than my embryo and they wouldn't have wanted to worry me.

I said (and I still claim) that that is not their decision to make. I should have been given ALL information good and bad. I should have been told that there were some concerns but that they had seen positive results from what appeared to be more questionable results than what they were seeing with my embryo. I pointed out that I had to discover the concerns by myself without the support of medical staff or more importantly my husband. If I had been told at the time of the scan I would have been less distressed that I was having to discover the information myself.

I then lay down for the scan...and sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed.

I couldn't stop crying.

I knew!

She then told me she couldn't see anything that looked like an 8wk embryo.

I cried again.

I don't want to do this!!

I don't want to do this again!!!!

I than had a transvaginal ultrasound which gives a clearer picture and all was confirmed. The embryo had died a few days after the first scan. I cried some more.

The Story!

When I had my ultrasound ar 7wks I was told that everything was ok. There was a fetal heart beat and that is all they would look for at that stage. For any of you who have struggled to have a child you may understand the relief I felt hearing those words.

I asked again:

Is there anything to be concerned about?

No bleeding?

Things look good?

The answer was a repetition of the earlier statement:

What we would want to see at this stage is a fetal heart beat and we have that.

Oh, can you imagine my happiness at hearing those words!

The relief,

The joy,

The excitement!

My whole world came crashing down the next morning. I was looking for a lovely picture of the embryo to show off when I came across the report from the ultrasound. A complete reversal of emotion in one split second - from joy to devastation.

Oh no, please no!

I don't want to do this again!

I don't want to loose another baby!

Please, nooo!

I want this pregancy!

I want this baby!

Please, help me!

Please, please, no, no ,nooo!!!!

I don't want to do this all again.

Please!

A week of waiting beings.

A week until the 8wk scan.

A week of praying.

A week of hoping.

A week of sadness.

Oh please, help this baby grow strong and healthy.

The inevitable happens -

The 8 wk scan.

But I think I'll continue that story later.

My heart hurts a little at the moment.

Broken hearted...

Not very talkative today.

Follow-up scan yesterday showed the embryo had died.

Will tell more later.

My Christmas Presents!!!!

Those who know and love me may suggest that I am impatient.

I like to think of it as determination.

So you can imagine how "determined" I was to find out what was in

the large box sitting under my Christmas tree.

Ronnie was equally determined not to give any hints.

Christmas morning I opened it up!

I found a juicer!

Inside the juicer box I also found another gift,

Beautiful earrings!!!

By the way,

My favourtie juice is banana and mango!

A week after Christmas.

Ronnie and I got another present.

I discovered I was pregnant.

Yea! Hip hip hooray!

A natural conception too.

As you can imagine.

We were estatic.

Unfortunately, that little embryo,

Didn't stick around for the party either.

I misscarried.