Little Wishes: 2011

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Oh, the love...

I just had lunch with Ronnie...

And Shadow!!!

He called to say "they" were out and about, had I had lunch yet.

(I am at work)

What a softie!

Got to love that man.

She soothes the soul,

A very welcome addition.

A beautiful little puppy

Who makes me and Ronnie smile.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Now some of you may disagree.
And I even do at times.
But not this week.
This week I have the BEST husband in the world.

Why, you may ask?
He brought home the cutest little ball of love and fluff, for ME!!!!!
So what, everyone loves a puppy, you may think.
But not Ronnie.
He said he would never have a dog.
But because I wanted her,
Because he loves me,
Because he wanted me to smile.
He sneakily bought her while I was a work.

Oh, she is so cute.
And I think I love her,
But most of all I love to see how tender Ronnie is with her.
Ronnie worried about her today,
How would she cope home on her own for the first time?
I love his kindness, his selflessness and his generosity.
I am lucky because I have a cute little dog to love.
But I am luckiest because I have a husband, a friend, a partner and companion who loves me and I love Him.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

How do you stop the wanting...

I think today is a "poor me" post.

Maybe a little self -therapy in my post.

Sometimes writing helps clarify my thinking.

I just feel so sad and don't know how to fix it.

I feel so heavy.

I feel so lonely and so alone.

Someone tell me what to do, please.

Someone tell me how to heal this broken heart.

Someone, can you just take this pain away, please.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

5 Sisters and 1 Brother

Family!

Five sisters...

and one brother.

Next time we are all in the same country at the same time,

lets get a photo together.

Someone is always missing!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The Half Birthday!

My half birthday is coming up soon.

I like the invention of a half birthday.

Ronnie doesn't.

It was introduce several years ago,

By an all time favourite house mate.
No presents need be exchanged.

Just a fun reason to have a cake.

I love the half birthday.

Ronnies a party pooper!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The planting of love and hope...

Friends, Pete and Kobe, came to dinner the other night.
Kobe brought me a parsley root.
Apparently, if you give a gift of a parsley root to someone,
They will have a baby.
It goes something like that anyway.
Details aren't important, sentiment is what counts.

I planted the lovely root that next day.
Added to the soil was some love, friendship and good dusting of hope.
I watered it in feeling positiveness and the shift in my soul.
Oh, it is so freeing to feel happiness again.

PS - Someone is going to come help me sort out my garden next week. I think it is Christmas already.

Kallan the spunk...and wishes granted!

I borrowed the following picture from the Maitland Mercury. My neice and nephew - all have been brave through a very difficult time and Mum, Dad and kids get to go celebrate the success of a difficult journey. Click here to read the story.

And here is a story of him in another paper during the stuggle.

www.kallanjamesegar.blogspot.com

Have fun! Wish I was coming too!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Love and marriage.

Jack or Captain Jack Sparrow to some...

It has been a long time since I have felt like writing.

Things have been very difficult.

Grief hurts.

But I am healing.

So much so that I can contemplate trying again.

I am healthy.

And as I suspected there was nothing wrong with the baby.

It was a little boy.

I knew it was a boy.

I felt it.

Campbell (me nephew) asked what I called him.

I told him he hadn't been given a name.

Campbell suggested "Jack".

Aiden (another nephew) expanded on that "Captain Jack Sparrow".

Boys!!!! I almost had one.

It was beautiful to have what I felt confirmed.

It gives this baby an identity.

It contributed somewhat to the loss though. Does that make sense?

I didn't loose a baby of indiscriminate nature, I lost a son.

Although I felt that loss more keenly I am glad I know.

Life goes on.

I am finding happiness again.

I am finding courage.

I am growing confidence.

I am woman!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

No Apple Today...

Off to see the Doctor today.

Recurrent miscarriage specialist.

It would be nice to have some answers,

But I suspect,

The verdict will be - Nothing wrong!

If there was a problem, at least we might be able to fix it.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Sadness...

Today I feel sad.
I hope I can shake it soon.
Sometimes writing helps clarify thought and feeling.
I hope you don't mind.

You might know,
I want to have children,
I want to teach them, love them, help them to grow,
I want to help them understand the world, find happiness and reach their potential.

I don't want to get pregnant though.
I don't want the stress,
I don't want the thought of an impending miscarriage,
I don't want the sadness.

There are other options,
Some we are looking at,
That is not the easy route though,
There are processes and stresses involved in those process too.

Besides feeling sorry for my self today,
I think I might have a little fertility envy.
Oh, how blessed and lucky are those that can conceive and carry without hinderance.
If this is you, offer a prayer of gratitude will you?

Me, I will try and think of the things I am grateful for.
Will you share yours with me too?
It might help me recognise some of mine,
And clear this thundercloud that seems to be hanging over my soul today.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A little late...but still a happy anniversary!

Yummy breakfast before we took off on a dolphinless dolphin cruise.

We get to go back for another trip though.

I can't believe we have been married for

2 years, 3 months, 1 week, 3 days.

Time flies when you are having fun!!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

The First Harvest.

Ok, so that is a rather grandious statement for what I am about to show you...
It is the first every fruit picked from my...soon to be garden!

It is not yet a garden,
My pots sit on my back patio.
I still need to get a big tree chopped up and some work done before I can put my plants in.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Am I a mother?

I am not going to church today.

I have been quite down and teary over the last week.

Last week at Church someone made the comment about how lucky this couple were to have their first baby.

The speaker continued to say that they were a good couple who deserved to have this blessing.

No malice was intended, but statements like that hurt,

And I expect there will be more like that today.

I am a good person, my husband is an even better person!

If being deserving was the qualification for having children,

We'd have a bunch and I'd be hoping for breakfast in bed this morning!

Today I wonder,

Am I a mother?

I tired my best to nuture the lives that grew within me!

I loved them.

I loved what might have been.

I am a mother.

Happy Mothers Day to my mum!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Today...

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Oh so high, oh so low...

It is the wee hours of the morning.
My husband is snoring.
I am tired and frustrated.
But also grateful that he is here.
He makes hard times bearable.

We were so lucky to have made a little baby.
There were tears of happiness,
Sadly that turned to tears of dispare
When we learned that this baby too had died.

I feel beaten up.
I have no idea how I can do this again.
I tried to be positive and focus on good things,
But really it was such a stressful time.
How can I do that again?
I feel so defeated now.
How can I do this all again?

I watched my husband watch a friend with his small daughter,
I know how much he would love to be a father,
Can I really do this again?
Why does my body seem to work against me?
Will it be any different next time?
Will the many vials of blood taken the other day give answers?
Is there something more I can do?
Where do I find hope?

Saturday, February 26, 2011

The man I love.

I wanted a rather large tummy...

I am meant to be studying...

But,

I am remembering how at this time,

I was going to have a rather large tummy.

My due date was to be just over a week away.

I finally found something to celebrate and commerate

What was, but now is not.

I'll show you when it arrives.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

To Laugh or Cry...

Ok, really I am meant to be working on an assignment.
I'll get back to it...I promise!
But first,
A funny (?) story...

The other day I was having a little cry to Ronnie
(I have been doing that a bit lately)
I was telling him how hard I am finding the idea that we may never have children difficult to accept.
I told him that it breaks my heart to consider that we might not have that opportunity.
I was telling him that I feel sad
I told him that it just doesn't feel right for us not to have children.

So imagine me sitting on the lounge, a few tears and a sniffle or two
And lots of feeling sorry for myself.
Then...I see this silhouette at my front door.
It is in the shape of a tiny little person.
A person about 18 months old.
Did you have the same thought as me?
The bloody stork must have gotten lost!!
It's taken the silly thing so long to get here!

I open the door and there is a naked little boy on my front veranda.
Oh, the humour....
I am pouring out my heart about wanting children and a naked one arrives on my doorstep.

But alas, I had to give the escapee back.
Apparently, instead of having his bath.
He decided to tour the neighborhood.