Thank you...

Before I update on the happenings of the last couple of weeks (our USA holiday). I want to post a thank you to those who have offered their love and support to Ronnie and me over the last 18 months and particularily the last few weeks. It has come from many sources - family, friends and those who experienced similar things on one of my favourite sites bubhub.com.au. My "forum friends" as Ronnie and refer to them are not known in person but have offered an understand that gives such comfort as many have experienced similar longings and disappointments.

Your support, comfort and encouragement has meant so much. It lessens the hurt and disappointment we feel and provides us with the strength to give it another go. I am scared (terrified even) that it may all happen again but I want to have a family with Ronnie. Visiting with my sister Kathryn and her husbnad and their two small children reminds of how demanding small children are, how your needs are secondary to that of a childs, sleep can be elusive and the cleaning never ends. Children also come with love, fun and laughter - we want the good and are prepared to take on the demands too. So we will try again...when I am ready!

Much love to you all.
Annette and Ronnie

The Story...Continued.

The day of the 2nd scan arrived and as you can imagine I was apprehensive. I didn't realise how emotionally stressed I was until I let fly with the sonographer. I let her know how upset I was not to be given ALL information regarding the embryo at the last scan. She told me she would have acted the same as the last sonographer because she has seen things improve from a seemingly worse position than my embryo and they wouldn't have wanted to worry me.

I said (and I still claim) that that is not their decision to make. I should have been given ALL information good and bad. I should have been told that there were some concerns but that they had seen positive results from what appeared to be more questionable results than what they were seeing with my embryo. I pointed out that I had to discover the concerns by myself without the support of medical staff or more importantly my husband. If I had been told at the time of the scan I would have been less distressed that I was having to discover the information myself.

I then lay down for the scan...and sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed.

I couldn't stop crying.

I knew!

She then told me she couldn't see anything that looked like an 8wk embryo.

I cried again.

I don't want to do this!!

I don't want to do this again!!!!

I than had a transvaginal ultrasound which gives a clearer picture and all was confirmed. The embryo had died a few days after the first scan. I cried some more.

The Story!

When I had my ultrasound ar 7wks I was told that everything was ok. There was a fetal heart beat and that is all they would look for at that stage. For any of you who have struggled to have a child you may understand the relief I felt hearing those words.

I asked again:

Is there anything to be concerned about?

No bleeding?

Things look good?

The answer was a repetition of the earlier statement:

What we would want to see at this stage is a fetal heart beat and we have that.

Oh, can you imagine my happiness at hearing those words!

The relief,

The joy,

The excitement!

My whole world came crashing down the next morning. I was looking for a lovely picture of the embryo to show off when I came across the report from the ultrasound. A complete reversal of emotion in one split second - from joy to devastation.

Oh no, please no!

I don't want to do this again!

I don't want to loose another baby!

Please, nooo!

I want this pregancy!

I want this baby!

Please, help me!

Please, please, no, no ,nooo!!!!

I don't want to do this all again.

Please!

A week of waiting beings.

A week until the 8wk scan.

A week of praying.

A week of hoping.

A week of sadness.

Oh please, help this baby grow strong and healthy.

The inevitable happens -

The 8 wk scan.

But I think I'll continue that story later.

My heart hurts a little at the moment.