The Gift I Wanted...

I wanted an iPad for Christmas.
I got that.
Thanks, I have a wonderful husband.

What a really wanted,
I would have given up all presents for.
You may have heard my sobbing, broken heart this morning.
No baby for us.

I hurt for me
And I hurt for Ronnie.
I hurt for those hopes and dreams that seem hard to claim.

We lay in bed the other morning dreaming of the day we have children of our own to share Christmas with. We talked of the traditions we would like to pass on from our own families. It was so beautiful an so full of joy and hope. This morning I lay in that same bed and sobbed and prayed trying to mend my broken heart.

One of the hard parts...

One of the hardest parts of IVF is not knowing if it will ever end. The advice to "just put it out of your mind" is great, it would be so wonderful if I could. If I did simply put it out of my mind I would forget to take my medications, forget to keep my appointments for blood tests, ultrasounds, egg collection and embryo transfer. I wish I could forget those things...and I will soon.

There comes a time when enough is enough. It is so emotionally demanding and for me I feel like I am fighting for something that keeps eluding me. Someone said to me yesterday - wait until you have you children, them comes the hard stuff! And yes I agree, it is hard to raise another human being but I would like to have that opportunity. I would also like to have the rewards that come from having children, giving love and guiding another how to be.

I would love to see the little people that are a part of me and a part of Ronnie yet are there own person. I want to meet them and love them. I want it all. I believe this is something that will happen, I believe it in a spiritual sense. And yet I have to consider that maybe I am misguided in that and I am trying to force something that will always elude me. So we have decided on an end point. We have decided when we will stop IVF. I say we but really it is me. I have decided on an end point...

Back to nature...

Seems I have trouble making babies.

(ie- home pregnancy test I took this morning was negative)

So while we take a break from science.

I am going to work on creating our garden.

(I'll post some before shots later).

I have never tried to garden before.

I want an edible garden.

Lets see how that goes.

To blog or not to blog....

That has been my question.

I decided after my miscarrige that I wasn't going to talk about my next IVF cycle or pregnancy. I kept crying when people would ask me how I was doing and I felt embarrassed. And yet a felt so comforted know and feel love from family and friends.

I have also missed the theraputic element of writing my thoughts down. Yes, I know I generally don't get to deep in my thoughts and feelings on my blog, but writing helps me find some fun in the experiences I am having. Just a funny side-effect...

So, to catch up and get a little clarity of thought, I'll tell you of the latest happenings.

I told you of our last fertility specialist appointment - the 77% conversation. At that appointment we also discussed the plan for the "next cycle". Well, that cycle is well underway. I say well, but really I feel totally crappy about it all. I have had the worst headaches and my ovaries have taken a holiday. They have only produced 4 follicles! You may remember that this is a low response and led to a cancelled cycle. Not a consideration this time - I am going ahead.

Egg collection is Thursday.

To be truthful - I don't hold out much hope for this cycle. Call that what you will -pessimism, realism or self-preservation. I was hoping to a least get some to freeze. Sometimes quality is better than quantity. Oh, did I just see a glimmer or hope?

This all just seems to much at the moment.
I am hurt.
I am scared.
I am disappointed.
I am to scared to be excited, happy or hopeful.

I am...

Exhausted,

Worried,

Scared,

And I want to cry!

I am trying to be:

Happy,

Hopeful,

And faithful.

When is this a "sure thing"?

When the baby is my arms.

This is hard.

Be patient and tolerant...

The results are in...

Sorry to those waiting so patiently with their fingers and toes crossed.

I so appreciate the prayers, kind thoughts and positive vibes.

Seems like all your efforts have been rewarded.

It is positive!!!!

But, he he, shhhh...we aren't telling the world just yet.

But felt it only fair to tell those who have travelled with me.

I wonder if I will be able to keep it quiet for long.

And those of you who are wondering,

If I managed to resist the call of the home pregnancy test.

I did!!!!!

Suprised?

I am!!!!

To Test or not to Test...That is the Question?

Four days ago Poppy was transfered.

I continuely wonder what is happening in my uterus.

There is only one way to find out at the moment,

(Well, within the next few days anyway).

A Home Pregnancy Test.

They are not the most accurate things.

Some people advise against it,

Sometimes I think it prepares me.

I think this time I am going to wait.

LOL...who believes that?

The FET!

I meet Poppy today!

Ha ha,

Wouldn't it be terrible if one of these

were transfered.

A little bit rude, Brrrr!!!!

(Who's Poppy? Check out this post,

including comments.)

What you doin' Friday?

I am going to have a FET.

You may ask,

What is a FET?

It is a frozen embryo transfer.

But actually it will be a thawed embryo that is transfered.

Will scream with joy and happiness if this works!!!

Who cares how it happens!!!!

What is in your Freezer?

This beautiful little niece was visiting the other day.

While she was over she asked to see

the "egg thing" in my freezer.

Egg thing? I don't have any egg shaped ice-cream or chocolate in the freezer.

Shay said you had an egg-thingy in the freezer.

No, I don't have anything, I think she is tricking you.

You know! The egg-thingy!

Ohhhh!!!! You mean the frozen embryo!!!

Still laughing about it now.

I love it and I love you Chelsea!

This Weekend and Medical Miracles.

This weekend I was on Aunty duties.

Friday night Kallan and Shay stayed over.

(Aiden stayed over Saturday night).

Kallan has just had his arm checked.

The abscess doesn't look good but...

Finally the Dr. has been able to grow a culture.

Looks like some more surgery to clean it out.

Hopefully, it is not to close to the prosthetic,

Or it might have to be removed temporarily.

Not fun...but he is here!

We are grateful for miracles of medical science.

Kallan asked how my embryos are going.

I explained...

A tiny little embryo, a potential for life, is frozen.

They will thaw it out and transfer into my uterus,

And we pray that once frozen embryo will grow into a baby.

How amazing is that whole concept!!!!

We are grateful for miracles of medical science.

I Know Now...

Nothing!!!

Or at least not the thing I wanted.

No baby this transfer!

So what now?

I become the woman I want to be.

Skinnier, happier and healthier.

And,

We try again!

I Wish I Knew?

What is happening in my uterus?

I wish I knew!

What Have You Been Eating Lately?

I have been eating these.

But, wish I had been eating those instead.

1? 2? No, 3!!! And Back to 1!

Initially, there was one fertilised embryo.
The next day another was discovered.
Then on Sunday when I called for my transfer time,
I was told there were three.

We had embryo number 1 transfered yesterday morning.
It's siblings were not as far developed.
In fact, it looked like 3 had stopped developing.
2 wasn't looking so great either,
They expect he will not be of good enough quality to freeze.

No photos this time.
Had to quickly run out the door.
It was a last minute acupunture appointment.
Fabulous, and she came in on a public holiday too.

The Party was a Fizzle!!!

Apparently the party was a fizzle!

The sperm were all ready to party,

But the eggs were a not a easy as I thought.

I was wrong...

It wasn't a sure thing!

Only one of the nine eggs collected fertilised.

Where to here for here?

That all depends on this one little embryo.

I'll keep you posted.

Reminds me of this joke I posted one other time.

Not so funny today....

Eggcellent Party on Wednesday!

Ronnies beautifully shaped, mobile sperm, with a sense of direction are invited to:

THE PETRI DISH
9:00 am Wednesday morning.

Entertainment provided by Annette's stunningly gorgeous, wonderfully matured eggs.

PS-The eggs are easy - It's a sure thing!!!!

Don't be shy - go for it boys!!!!

Netty, Netty, How do your Follicles Grow?

With Puregon, silly!

And they are growing well. May I be so rude as to say that I am slightly disappointed with what appears to be low numbers? However, the dominate feelings is one of gratitude that there is a nice number to work with.

8

7 look lovely

1 is a little smaller

I'll go back in a couple of days to see if the follicles are ready to have their eggs collected.

Feelings - The Latest Cycle

Scared of not getting pregnant,

Scared of getting pregnant,

Scared of my emotions.

I wondered how I would cope with it all,

I wondered how I would cope with another disappointment,

I wondered how I could control things I cannot.

Yesterday, I decided to focus on the present,

Yesterday, I decided to be happy with my life,

Yesterday, I felt the first flutterings of excitement.

Up to date!!!!

So now my blog is up to date,

Almost.

Just a little more of the journey to share.

It has been difficult.

And it is with trepidation,

That I take this next step.

Yesterday I pulled and old friend out of the fridge.

And gave myself a massive bruise.

I took a photo.

It really is a pretty colour!

Maybe I can make a smiley face this time.

With purple lipstick!

I have changed clinics.

I am taking more drugs this time,

In the hopes of getting more follicles, that means more eggs,

And therefore more embryos.