Am I a mother?

I am not going to church today.

I have been quite down and teary over the last week.

Last week at Church someone made the comment about how lucky this couple were to have their first baby.

The speaker continued to say that they were a good couple who deserved to have this blessing.

No malice was intended, but statements like that hurt,

And I expect there will be more like that today.

I am a good person, my husband is an even better person!

If being deserving was the qualification for having children,

We'd have a bunch and I'd be hoping for breakfast in bed this morning!

Today I wonder,

Am I a mother?

I tired my best to nuture the lives that grew within me!

I loved them.

I loved what might have been.

I am a mother.

Happy Mothers Day to my mum!

Today...

Oh so high, oh so low...

It is the wee hours of the morning.
My husband is snoring.
I am tired and frustrated.
But also grateful that he is here.
He makes hard times bearable.

We were so lucky to have made a little baby.
There were tears of happiness,
Sadly that turned to tears of dispare
When we learned that this baby too had died.

I feel beaten up.
I have no idea how I can do this again.
I tried to be positive and focus on good things,
But really it was such a stressful time.
How can I do that again?
I feel so defeated now.
How can I do this all again?

I watched my husband watch a friend with his small daughter,
I know how much he would love to be a father,
Can I really do this again?
Why does my body seem to work against me?
Will it be any different next time?
Will the many vials of blood taken the other day give answers?
Is there something more I can do?
Where do I find hope?

The man I love.

I wanted a rather large tummy...

I am meant to be studying...

But,

I am remembering how at this time,

I was going to have a rather large tummy.

My due date was to be just over a week away.

I finally found something to celebrate and commerate

What was, but now is not.

I'll show you when it arrives.

To Laugh or Cry...

Ok, really I am meant to be working on an assignment.
I'll get back to it...I promise!
But first,
A funny (?) story...

The other day I was having a little cry to Ronnie
(I have been doing that a bit lately)
I was telling him how hard I am finding the idea that we may never have children difficult to accept.
I told him that it breaks my heart to consider that we might not have that opportunity.
I was telling him that I feel sad
I told him that it just doesn't feel right for us not to have children.

So imagine me sitting on the lounge, a few tears and a sniffle or two
And lots of feeling sorry for myself.
Then...I see this silhouette at my front door.
It is in the shape of a tiny little person.
A person about 18 months old.
Did you have the same thought as me?
The bloody stork must have gotten lost!!
It's taken the silly thing so long to get here!

I open the door and there is a naked little boy on my front veranda.
Oh, the humour....
I am pouring out my heart about wanting children and a naked one arrives on my doorstep.

But alas, I had to give the escapee back.
Apparently, instead of having his bath.
He decided to tour the neighborhood.

Me, a husband, two nieces and no frypan...

Two lovely nieces stayed for a couple of days.

We decided to go to the beach for a BBQ.

But first,

We checked out surfboards for Ronnie.

And the girls checked out flippers.

Then we discovered we (and by we I mean Ronnie)

forgot to bring a pan.

We had planned on cooking sausages over a camp burner,

But needed the pan to make it all work.

Plans changed and we went to Grill'd instead

Then...

Off to the beach.

Ronnie tried out his new board.

The girls played.

And I relaxed.

Ahhhh...summer.